It has taken me forever to make a new post. I will admit a lot but it is nothing you haven't heard before. Up and down over and over again... The yo' yo' has got to stop. I scream at myself on the inside but its old patterns, old habits and ultimately old failures creeping back into my life.
So a week ago, after eating clean for 2 weeks straight flushing off a well needed 20 lbs... I got terrible news that a friend of mine had a life threatening accident and was hit by a vehicle... Currently, fighting for her life in a coma.
This news hit me hard. I didn't show it on the outside. Though getting updates and asking all the right questions to family / friends... inside I was screaming.
Let me give you a bit of history. I grew up in a very small town.
Everyone in town knew each other.
My brothers both a generation ahead of me with a million friends, and my home seemed to be one of the many places they would gather.
She was in that pack.
Looking at her from my 7 year old mind... she was my idol, my Disney princess, in my eyes the most beautiful and nicest girl in town.
I was at the beginning of my self doubt, my weight started to escalate at that young age...
When someone told me I was beautiful I doubted it. I didn't feel pretty, I felt abnormal...
The more I did, the more the classmates were there to remind me.
One day... she was over hanging out at the house...
And all her attention was on me. Here I was with this princess, all her friends around and she was spending time with me. If only the kids at school could see me now.
She gave me a ring that day. It was a daisy.
It was hers and she told me to keep it. That ring was so special to me.
I still have it.
So time forward to now. I don't see her much, I still consider her family.
However, what I know of her is she never ever let someone crush her dreams.
If she wants it she just seizes it.
So for the entire week, due to the traumatic news... I lived in memories.
Remembering both good and bad times...
All the while trapped in my head, somewhat unwilling to get out of.
Telling myself what I should be doing, but doing the polar opposite.
I ate whatever I wanted... It wasn't even a spiral. It was conscious.
Like I was torturing myself because someone who lives so freely is trapped.
AND I have the opportunity to seize anything I want and I keep myself down.
Now how does this relate to chocolate cake.
You see on Sunday night. My last meal before starting again on Monday.
I finished up the meal with chocolate cake.
See that chocolate cake wasn't calories. It wasn't just something sweet.
That chocolate cake was memories with my grandmother, the many birthdays celebrated over time, the times shared with loved ones, even the buttercream on top was every holiday my family and I ever shared... even my inner pain with every bite.
At that moment I realized the true unhealthy impact food has on me.
Thing is, I don't need cake to remember, to live in those memories, to feel loved, to feel safe. Food has never been the solution. If it was, I wouldn't be battling it this much.
Shortly after realizing, the cake went in the trash and I prepped my meals for the week.
Memories are the value, cake is just simply cake.
Truth hit me straight on this week...
You can't turn back time. You can't relive the past.
All you have is NOW.
I plan on staying there.
Thank you chocolate cake, I appreciate you, thank you for waking me up.