It has been way to long since I have provided an update. Normally my posts are filled with inspiration, possibly an inspiring story or if something disheartening it ends with a positive spin.
This will be the rawest update I will provide since I started this journey.
At least that is the way it feels in this very moment.
As everyone in the beginning or end of a year, you review your failures, success and any accomplishments.
2016 was a rough year for me. Challenging in many ways, but mostly disheartening. I struggle a lot these days daily with what I refer to as "finding me again".
Honestly, that is what I spent 150% of my effort doing in 2016. I can't say I ever found her...
Several times I saw glimpses of her but not the girl I wanted to see.
Did you ever hear the statement "One of the hardest things you will ever have to do my dear is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive". This statement sums up my year.
Not only was this other people in my life that either stepped out or it was in my best interest to evict from my life but it was myself. My inner strength. I was mourning my goals, my accomplishments, my 100lbs lost, my pats on my back, my I told you so moments, my genuine smile and most of all my happiness.
I think back or look at my recent Timehop and I wonder what did I do to myself? When did I start to go wrong? What was the trigger? When did satisfying my old habits become acceptable? When did I start allowing excuses to rule my life again?
The answer is, I don't know.
It scares the hell out of me that this might be who I am.
Maybe I am the girl that fights so far than gives up... I don't want to think the worst but over the holidays I felt so bad inside I remember stating to my best friend "If I don't get a handle on this soon, I am dead. That simple."
May sound dramatic but that is how I felt in that moment and somewhat feel today.
If I give up, fully give up I am signing my death certificate.
I will tell you when you say that to yourself... when you come clear with yourself, honestly real...
That is a hard thing to do. I can say most of my flip flops this year... and that is what it has been.
Days on my game, days off... days on... and then days REALLY off. Which the balance of that has left me feeling very unbalanced and very fearful of tomorrow. How can I progress forward if I am constantly worried about where I used to be? where I am right now compared to yesterday?
So what do I do at this point? Well.....
I had a deep conversation with myself and said... what would that girl 2 years ago do or say?
She would say
1) Set your small goals
2) Be present in the NOW forget about yesterday
3) Forgive including yourself
6) Set your routine
7) No excuses - no exceptions
So that is where I stand today. I am letting go of everything.
My past achievements, my past goals, my past failures, my past training, my past disappointment and my past success.
I start 2017 starting fresh... baptizing myself ,cleansing my consciousness of all the drama I created in my own head, the struggle that I allowed for the past year to sabotage any of my achievements.
I have to forgive to move forward.
I have to accept the now and say what am I going to do about it.
I will certainly not be the girl with her finger in the dam like June Cash - waiting for my own demise that is for damn sure.
So I have accepted the now.... the road I am currently on, everything I have to face, everything I know I need to do and will. I understand it will not be easy. I will be sore, exhausted, challenged... it will be a lot of work - not just physical but self / mental, emotional and spiritual.
I will tell you this, I learned this one positive thing this year. I am not the girl who gives up.
No matter what. Exterior may feel that way or look that way in the mirror.. but my inside never gives up the fight. That goes for everything in my life. It may take me longer, may need to tweak and re-evaluate my method but I always succeed.
I may not be at my best... but I am somewhere in the middle of my journey. Not at the beginning, not at the end... somewhere in between. I will be taking one step at a time seeing myself through.