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Good afternoon luvies, it has been a very long time since I updated what is going on in my life. Soooooooo this girl is still going at it. One day at a time, like always...
I won’t lie, I had some ups and downs this year.
Times I’d get back up and go strong and other times I would fall flat on my butt.
I never thought when this last year came around that I would have so many times fallen.
This excerpt that was on my Facebook pretty much sums it up:
“Time to make all that's wrong right!! I'm tired of Teeter Tottering on the scale! I am sick and tired of saying when I get here I am going to do xy&z... I have spent a year battling to keep the 100 lbs off... because my old habits creep back in... my old excuses. In reality it has made me depressed and sulky on small bad decisions I keep making over and over. Not loving yourself is the worst torture... not putting you before all of your mistakes is hell on earth. I am mad at myself but I need to wake up and make shit happen. I know what to do ... I know what works... I know how success feels and I want that back!!!!!! I have no more sympathy for myself... now I have pissed myself off!!!!!
Excuses make me sick, I can't even look at my reflection without getting angry. People see me all the time and compliment me on my success and I can't even ingest it because I feel like a walking hypocrite full of binges and bad decisions. I spent close to 2 weeks eating perfect then something strikes me emotionally and I go buck wild putting myself on that torturous road. I just can't do it anymore. I need to love myself... if anything I need to do is forgive myself for the mistakes I feel I made and take it one day at a time... a true journey isn't all celebration... it is a rocky f'n road and I have been on a year success and self-sabotage... it has to stop.
The only one who can stop it is me. The only one who can save me is me. The only one who has the answers is me. I start right now. Not tomorrow. I start at 7:17 pm tonight. I choose to forgive me... I am making the choice to accept me... and I am making the choice to love me with all I have and am!!!!”
I wrote this at the end of Sept, a few days later I took a trip out of state on vacation.
What, did I do, you might ask???? Well....I found excuses fell flat on my butt again.
This time, I fell so hard I was the largest I have been since I lost my weight.
I felt every ounce of it too.
While away I did a lot of walking and touristy excursions…
Ailments I haven't felt in forever started to creep back including my knee pain, my ankle pain, swelling... etc...
When I am not on point and not clean eating my body reminds me very quickly and honestly of my progress.
During that trip I was caught up in Hurricane Matthew. While being hunkered down, it gave me forced time to start to look at what I was doing to myself – physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. In my self reflection, I decided quite simply:
I can’t do this to myself anymore
I’m worth more than this
I don’t want to ever feel this way again
I may have come this far but I have more work to do
So I arrived back on a Sunday.
I went back to the grocery store, food prepped my meals, had a final goodbye to pizza for a long while… and Monday morning started my inevitable food detox process.
I decided I wasn’t going to kill myself and do my 2-4 daily workouts, obsess over the scale, torture myself with inner doubt… simply go back to the basics and trust the clean eating once again.
This was my post on Day 4:
“So this was from my first round of Whole30 - well that turned into Whole365+ I think I stopped Whole380 something (mentally Insert Pic of Before and Afters)
110 lbs were lost
My "tiger blood" was real
I felt anything was in my grasp
I fought so hard to get there but pretty soon after day 30 it became effortless
Here I am a year later finding myself facing my same demons I did back when I started
I didn't gain my weight back - some embarrassingly enough that it bothers me
I spent a year after breaking my perfect eating and beating myself up for it to the point I would punish myself with food - much of what Melissa Hartwig talks about in her first chapters of her new book.
So here I am starting fresh with a clean slate.
Forgiving and making peace with my "learned lessons" a notch wiser and ready for this round
Today is my Day 4 - I posted the same meal (mentally insert clean meal photo) I did here on another board and I woman starts correcting the amount of fruit I was eating.
I got defensive but now I am thinking that's her issue not mine. The fruit was delish and it’s what I believe works for my body.
She believed that my detox symptoms of lethargy was based upon my meal.
I proceeded to tell her how I have done this before and how my success was... then she alluded to the fact that I didn't accomplish what I did. I showed her my before and after’s and she didn't reply.
Here's my point of this...
Do not ever let ANYONE tell you what is good for you and your body. Do not ever let anyone cast negative criticism against you unless it is truly meant to be constructive.
What I have learned more harshly this past year is people will want to keep you down and hold you back... or because they "can't" they will do what they can to break down your success
Do not let them. That includes yourself.
I found that one of my worst critics is me...
I began to judge myself over a stuck scale
And ultimately was heading down the road of self-sabotage
Day 4 and I am already beginning to see clear again... the doubts we put in our own mind is an illusion ...”
So, here I am today is Day 9.
Last week, I lost the weight, I had gained while I was away on vacation.
I am still working towards my lowest, but that number I saw I hope to be a distant memory.
All of this comes down to loving yourself. The battle you have inside you is as easy, as forgiving, as loving as you make it.
Yes, get up and move… get up and change if you want.
However, do not torture yourself… let / allow yourself to be loved – especially by you.
I’ve spent countless hours torturing and putting myself down in my own mind.
Comparing myself to others as well as my past success or failures.
Life starts now… you can’t go back, you only have now.
What do you choose to do in this moment?
I’m beginning to look in the mirror again and starting to see the girl I know…
I am beginning to respect the reflection looking back.
I am beginning to accept it and change it… one day, one meal at a time.
My fitness isn’t gone for much longer…
I want to make sure this clean eating is in balance before I bring that back in.
I have found if I am not eating right – and I workout – I will eat more of the bad.
If I am eating on point and I workout, I balance between the workout / energy and the eating / energy much more successfully.
There is strategy behind my choices, but a strategy that works for me…
history has proven so.
I am living, loving and learning by my own example.
I hope this message finds you well.
Laughter, Love & Light,
Steph